People love to say that autistics have no ability to feel empathy. We do. I feel it often. NTs don’t. I see it daily.
For example: At school recently, the testing center made a mistake. They gave me the wrong Chemistry test. I was asked what number I needed to take, and I said I didn’t know, but it was the one dropped off that morning for me with my name on it. I was given the one for the week before, didn’t remember it, and wasted two hours on it. When I told them they gave me the wrong test, I expected to get something along the lines of “Oh no,” or “Sorry,” or even just “That sucks!” Instead, I got, “We just gave you whatever YOU asked for,” with no eye contact.
I’m the one with autism, here. I’ll be avoiding the eye contact, thanks.
I’ve developed a theory about this. Let me know if I sound crazy, here, but I do think I’m on to something.
Empathy is a myth. It simply doesn’t exist in most people. The reason most people will relate to others is that their experiences are so normal and routine that they’ve both experienced them. They only relate to it because it’s something that they’ve already done or been through. This is why NTs will not feel any empathy towards someone with autism.
People with autism usually do feel empathy towards everyone because we’re told so often that we don’t and that it’s bad, so we spend so much time dwelling on it that we learn to be hyper sensitive to the feelings of others. We may not know how not to offend someone, but we’ll feel like crap when we do. Empathy in us is a learned skill that we’re told to use.
So NTs only feel empathy because it’s a shared experience. Unless they learn to feel empathy, they won’t relate to those that are different than them (explaining hate-crimes, etc). Aspies (et all) feel empathy because they’re taught to feel embarrassed if they don’t.
Thoughts?
Apr 25, 2011 @ 20:52:06
I agree that empathy IS a learned skill. And those that say autistics don’t have any empathy are spouting a load of hooey.
That doesn’t mean empathy doesn’t exist. I think it’s more like a muscle: it starts off weak in most people, and we have to take time and effort to develop it. Autistics and NT’s develop differently (much like there are people who really “bulk up” and people who get that “lean and tone” look). But they both still develop empathy, to whatever individual degree.
[Sidenote: I think there's a fairly new study out that says people who read a lot of books as children are better at empathizing than others, because they're used to putting themselves in other's situations.]
Empathy is really imagining yourself in someone else’s situation, and thinking how that would make you feel. Whether or not you’ve ever been in that circumstance. Some people SUCK at that. Like the person you dealt with today (who sounds like a major poo-head). I wonder if sometimes people are so worried about looking foolish or being taken advantage of or getting in trouble that they turn off their empathy and go into “blame mode” to protect themselves? I think that’s what happened with the person you dealt with today. The person was afraid they could get in trouble for not giving you the right test and wasting your time, so they acted like a jerk to you by placing blame.
It’s not fair, and it doesn’t excuse it. I also think it happens so often that for some people it’s practically a reflex. However, that’s where our empathy kicks in. Because we see it’s that person’s problem – that one person, not all of humanity or all of a certain group.
That’s what I think, anyway. (Oh, I guess I should mention I’m an NT married to someone with AS, although I do have Tourettes so I guess I’m “neurodiverse,” as I heard someone put it.)